The Underground Times Issue 2
The Underground Times News from the streets Issue 2 September 1st Owner: Capulets Editor-in-chief: Isabella De Luca AMMO OFFERS, WHAT IS THE DEAL Writer Jimmy-Maverick Bullets have become so scarce these days than not even the Godfather himself seems to be able to find them. Back in the day it was customary for a dealing to turn sour as more and more people began to drop like flies because of the ammo man. He got too greedy and began losing business. People began to get too scared to accept one of his dodgy offers. In this thing of ours, too many good men and women have been killed by this charming fellow, and it had finally came to a stop when a petition of these happenings took place and he was banned from killing anyone by the so called Gods. The happy days began and anyone could find a decent ammo offer that went swimmingly. But when the ammo man fought against the Gods it appeared that they banned every person, including the Godfather, from touching his goods. Eye witnesses have seen him boarding a plane to Alaska where he went incognito from the major cities of America, thus the drought began. This had been going on for some time before the Gods had enough of the petitions to get the ammo man back to where he did business best. This reporter is happy to say that the Ammo man has ended his self imposed exile and is once again in business around our great nation. He will turn shifty and shoot you when you least expect it, but it appears that he’s had a bit of a change of heart and no longer aims at your major organs. As we hear more on this issue, we’ll keep you updated in the next issue. THE MORGUE AND THE GREEDY MOTRICIAN Writer Capulets Over the past few weeks our beautiful country has been coated liberally in blood. The weather has been gloomy and dark, a perfect setting for a horror film, but hidden in the outskirts of New York there is a rundown old morgue making a killing literally. We heard a woman by the name of BlackAliss runs the rickety place. Bodies have been piling up by the truck loads. Mafioso, federal agents, citizens and some of those pesky rift raft gutter scum. We heard she has a contract with the government and has the right to claim any deceased body. She is the queen of the underground making millions upon millions of disposing of the corpses, then the dark side of selling body parts on the black market. We heard rumors that a few well known figures have inquired into parts after a few run ins with the law or those gun shoot outs. We heard that God_Himself got a pair of new lungs after being a pack a day smoker, Murphy got herself a new liver after spending too much time at her local bar, Angelo_DeCarlo tried to get a new heart, but when the surgeons went in to remove his black heart, they found their scalpels to blunt to cut through the hardened muscle. On a close call we nearly got caught peeping through the window by BlackAliss, but we managed to escape and let the world know of this horror. We recommend staying out of dark unlit areas at night as you might find yourself on an operating table just before death. No reporters were harmed while reporting on this story. RECENT STRING OF G-MEN DEATHS HAVE FBI WORRIED Writer Nelson_Biederman_IV In the past 48 hours, at least 45 Agents have met their untimely demise at the hands of a number of unknown assailants. In cities across the country, agents, sergeants, captains, and chiefs are worried they will be next, according to sources. “These men feel like their next step outside may be their last,” said one person, who would only speak to us in total anonymity. “Especially the agents, they worry for their lives more than anyone else working for the bureau.” According to more unnamed sources, the string of agent deaths is attributed to “La Mano Nera” otherwise known as “The Black Hand.” Local police officers refute this claim. “There has never, and will never be an underground “mafia” organization in this country. That kind of thing is for the guineas back in Italy,” stated Las Vegas police Chief Lee Strachan. The bureau keeps sending more and more agents out into the cities across the country, but eventually, they all get sent back in body bags. With no end in sight, people have to wonder if there are enough people in the country to supply the bureau with agents much longer. EDITORIAL I type these words with great sadness; Chief Editor Jimmy-Maverick has passed away. He was a simple man who loved long strolls on the beach, kicking back on a hammock, sipping pina coladas and walking the local streets gathering all the news. We hope to see his son bless us with taking on the role that his father held at our paper, but if not then it will remain open for the taking. This is our second Issue being printed from the lovely town of Los Angeles. Once again we thank you for following us and your support is much appreciated. Please remember we do accept donations in writing to give back to the community and we are always open to new writers. Thank you for reading. CLASSIFIEDS We have heard of some good buys on the horse market, these prices are not for the faint hearted. The owners may do a deal for the right price. The top 3 buys of the week are the following; JeanLouis Akpa Akpro (age: 4) Owned by Karmic_Justice Asking price $10,000,000 9351 Aug 31st 06:30AM 10 ° Bone Dry 3rd $210,400 2 :1 9154 Aug 27th 03:00AM 0 ° Bone Dry 2nd $444,000 2 :1 9099 Aug 25th 10:00PM 2 ° Bone Dry 3rd $284,000 1 :1 9029 Aug 24th 06:30AM 10 ° Bone Dry 2nd $133,200 1 :1 Princess Peach Is Awesome (age: 4) Owned by JohnRuicci Asking price $15,000,000 RACE Time Temp Conditions Finish Paying Odds 9381 Aug 31st 09:30PM 26 ° Bone Dry 1st $542,000 1 :1 9326 Aug 30th 06:00PM 9 ° Bone Dry 3rd $554,480 1 :1 9271 Aug 29th 02:30PM 7 ° Bone Dry 1st $1,726,000 1 :1 9157 Aug 27th 04:30AM 4 ° Bone Dry 2nd $640,800 1 :1 Abdulai Bell Baggie (age: 4) Owned by Karmic_Justice Asking price $10,000,000 RACE Time Temp Conditions Finish Paying Odds 9361 Aug 31st 11:30AM 5 ° Bone Dry 2nd $624,600 2 :1 9310 Aug 30th 10:00AM 0 ° Bone Dry 2nd $460,800 2 :1 8718 Aug 17th 11:30AM 5 ° Bone Dry 3rd $791,202 3 :1 8515 Aug 12th 11:30PM 2 ° Bone Dry 2nd $450,000 1 :1